“我知道你是谁，威尔。”眼泪顺着她的脸庞滑落，他心里的一部分仍然希望自己能将它们擦掉。尽管如果他们之间没有障碍，他知道他做不到。“你是个好人。”
“不。”他说，迅速，坚定，但她不愿接受。“不，”他再次坚称，越过了那些无声的抗议，“我不是的。我努力过了，但这不是我的本性。你更容易假装我是，但当我娶你的时候，我的一部分就已经知道我会伤害到你。而我还是这么做了。”
“哦，威尔。”她抽泣着，在将他名字说出口的时候，她的声音终于崩溃了。“你难道不幸福吗？和我们一起——沃尔特，我，还有那些狗狗。你爱过我们吗？”
他因她的话而呼吸困难。他能感觉到她的指甲抠进他的掌心，她的恳求浸入他的心脏。他颤抖着松开了她的手。这将再好不过，他想，如果事情能温和地发生，但他如今能够看出，她不会轻易动摇的。她的嗓音和哭声使他额头上的血管突突作响；头痛像乌云一般在他的太阳穴中汇集。
“我不该娶你。”他说，嗓音变得冷漠了，双手没有再次握住她。“我早就知道会是这样的结局。我早就知道，”他吞咽着，迫使自己说出那些残酷的话，“我属于他。”
他几乎无法忍受注视着她拧作一团的脸，但他强迫着自己去看，直到这景象不再那么强烈地影响到他。“那你为什么要这么做？”她抽泣着，“为什么要娶我，如果你不爱我，不打算留下的话？”
我本想留下来的，他想，我希望我能；我想要留下。或者我希望我想要。但这真相如今对她没有帮助，只会激励她对于他的救赎的希望。而她的希望充满危险，对他如此，对她自己更是如此。
“也许我只是希望一旦我离开，有人能照顾我的狗。”他冷笑着说，注视着她面庞上升起的震惊的怒火，感受到一种奇特的满足感与厌恶感的交织。他将戒指从手指上拧下来，按在她的手心里。“去俄勒冈吧。”他命令她道，声音坚定。“去找你的家人。带上沃利，带上狗，离这里远远的，再也不要回来，也不要再次接起杰克·克劳福德或阿拉娜·布鲁姆的电话了。”
“别对我说这个。”她哭着说，几乎是在大喊。“你不能这么说。”
“我不得不。”他说。“走吧。我会逃离这里的，莫莉，我会和他一起。”他的胸腔因这些话而一阵发紧。他希望她比他更加相信它们。“为了你自己的安全，你必须离开。”
她走了，不留一词地走出了房间，走出了他的生命。
******
他看着火焰在壁炉中跳动，吞噬着他独自喂进的书页。他能感到那热量。自从遇见汉尼拔，他看过了这世界中他从未预想会到达的地方。他原先只需要一条小溪。如今，在他记忆宫殿中的所有房间里，他知道这一间是他会最经常来寻求安慰的。他坐进一张扶手椅中，面对着他面前那一张空荡荡的椅子，安心于住在这里，在他记忆之墙之中。他在这里不会快乐，但他将保持理智，他想。他将自己托付于一个不断触及着汉尼拔的未来，一直如此，召唤着，正如另一人在三年中如何召唤着他，却不被答复。
也许汉尼拔会在三年后的某一天回应他，又或是当他在遥远未来的某个晚上变得怀旧时。也许当他觉得威尔已经服满了足够长的监禁，他便会来，并将他从这个世界的监狱里解救出来。否则，美国政府将在某一天杀掉他，从而结束他知道在未来的孤独岁月里永远不会消失的渴望。以这种方式死去似乎是一种耻辱。他可以自己了结这一切，他知道，但他的生命不是他自己的。他属于汉尼拔，而不是他自己，所以他将会等待着汉尼拔的审判。
他的腿在他身下蜷缩在座位上，头靠着温暖的皮革。阴影在远处的墙上微微颤动，威尔看着它们，直到他的眼皮开始下垂。他的身体在不舒适的医院床上舒展着，但他将会睡在这里，睡在汉尼拔旧办公室的安全与舒适之中。他们可以对他的身体做任何他们想做的事，但他的灵魂将永远在这里。他将沉入自己的内心深处，而他们将永远无法触及他。二十年后，他们将会处决一个空壳。
“威尔。”
听到这个声音，他的双眼猛地睁大。房间是空的，火光依然黯淡地照亮着书架，书桌和在微风中轻轻飘动的窗帘。威尔皱起眉头，起身穿过房间，透过那扇他不记得打开过的窗户眺望出去。
声音御着下一阵强风，传到他的耳中，轻柔，但却预示着即将来临的暴风雨。
“不会太久的。”
在他豪华的牢房中，在坚硬的床垫上，面对着扑面的黑暗，威尔笑了。
[1] 标题注，圆翅天蚕蛾（Promethea），一种大型的美洲蚕蛾。它的幼虫以檫树、野樱桃和其他树木为食，并用丝带把茧挂在树枝上。
Notes:
译者尾注：回过头来找原作标注的自杀提及……原来真的只是提了一嘴orz. 另，这一章的心理描写真的好美。忍不住回去原作又读了一遍，无论是开头的hallucination还是后面的sappiness还是杯忍痛与莫莉诀别，都真的好美，gentle soft and beautiful，我贫瘠的语言翻不出来原作的万分之一好。今夜也为太太的绝美文笔哭泣。
第十三章 帝王蛾
Notes:
作者注：上周我晚发了一天，所以这周，在我再次离城之前，我决定早发一天。谢谢你们所有阅读的人，写作真的很有趣，并且很高兴知道其他人同样享受这个。警告暴力和多愁善感。
这样的一天应当颤栗着开始。[2]威尔不确定这些话是从哪儿来的，尽管它们就这样出现了，在他脑海中。他甚至不确定这是不是一天的开始，只知道当阿拉娜来探访他时，已经距他的上一位探访者，哭着离开的莫莉，过去了几个小时。在这个地方，他没有多少时间观念，睡去，醒来，却意识不到他休息了多久。自从他们把他带到这里，他有关到底过去了多长时间的唯一指标，便是他喉咙上渐隐的淤青，而不久之后它们便会完全消失。
当她走进房间时，他正睡着，但他很快就醒来了，起身站在玻璃前，充满警觉。他细细观察着她的面庞，以寻找任何她因前一天对他的所作所为而产生的羞愧与自责的痕迹，但她不苟言笑，将表情封闭在他探查的目光下。
他们盯着对方看了很久，随后阿拉娜才开口道。“莫莉昨晚离开了。”她告诉他，用舌尖润湿了她的红唇，这让它们闪闪发光。“我觉得你可能想要知道。”
“很好。”威尔说，对他从自己声音中听到的一丝解脱而惊讶。如今他知道了，他从未以他许诺过的方式爱过她——她也从未足够了解他以爱他，尽管他知道，需要经过很长一段时间，她才会愿意让自己面对这现实。在某天，他希望，她能够意识到他戏弄了她；而这一点儿也怪罪不了她。你吸引了一个背上画着怪物的男人，威尔想道，记起了瑞芭脸上的痛苦。尽管如此，在这一时刻，他感觉自己完全是个怪物。
也许他不同于弗朗西斯·多拉海德，威尔思忖着。也不同于汉尼拔。并非对童年创伤做出反应，意图与悲惨过往的恶魔决裂。一个天生杀人狂，他想，而这想法几乎使他嘴角带上了一丝笑意，尽管在他眼中并无任何高兴闪现。
“她是你的妻子，威尔。”阿拉娜说道，她的声音，正如她的脸庞，保持着小心翼翼地不露感情。“你难道不觉得你本可以表现得更和善一些吗？”
“你希望我当时更温和吗，阿拉娜？我已经厌倦了表演成我本性之外的事物。或是说是表演成我本来的样子。”他对着她咬牙切齿地说。
“我只是说更和善罢了。”
“像你当初将她卷入一样和善吗？”威尔抬起眉毛。“你让她将自己的生命置于危险境地。你有没有向她解释过那些风险，又或是你担心如果你解释了她就会拒绝你？”
阿拉娜低下了头，发出一声短暂、挖苦的震惊笑声。“是你将她的生命置于了危险境地，威尔。你让她卷入了这一切。不要试图将你的罪过钉在我身上；如果不是你先将她卷入这一切，她也不会被利用出现在这里。”
“你没必要将她将她带回进这些。”威尔坚称，感受到那些她无疑希望在他身上激起的怒气。他试着使它远离他的声音，但他确信它依然出现在了他嘴唇的绷紧线条中。“你本应该任由她悄无声息离去的。”
“你使她的参与成了必需，当你帮助汉尼拔逃脱联邦监禁的时候。”阿拉娜说。“不是我们所有人都失去了保护所爱之人的兴趣。”
威尔对着她大笑。“玛格还好吗？”他问道。“玛格在哪儿？你确定她还安全吗，没有你在身边，阿拉娜？也许你比你以为的保护欲更少。也许这不是为了保护任何人的安全，而只是为了保护你自己。”
她看起来像是，如果不是他们之间有玻璃相隔，她就要揍他了。就一霎那，在那面具重新滑回原位之前，在她面颊上逐渐冷却的怒意却并未在她眼中消失。他看见了那里的愤怒，此刻实在难以错失。他同样感觉到它在自己体内扭曲着，正如胸膛中的一缠群蛇。如果没有玻璃，他想着，我会做些什么？
“我不打算争辩我们之中的哪一个更不擅长于保护我们的家人。”她平和地告诉他，但他看到了在她渐暗的虹膜中的风暴。“我来这里是为了告诉你，你的转运被安排在了明天早上，十点钟。这会给你不到二十四小时的时间，来说服普鲁内尔她是值得花时间让你活着的，因为无论你对我的正直有何种看法，威尔，你知道我所说的关于如果你被送到联邦监狱时，你必将丧命的话都是真的。”
“不必为我担心。”威尔安慰她道，嗓音满是讥讽。“在二十四小时过完之前我就会死的。”
她叹气。“威尔，普鲁内尔有指纹——”
“哦，她要不然是在撒谎，要不然就是被骗了。”威尔嘲笑道。他眼神紧盯阿拉娜，微笑着，很高兴看到她瞳孔散大的样子。“汉尼拔正在来的路上，阿拉娜。并且当他到来之时，你将想要在除此之外的任何其他地方，因为他会来杀掉你，还有我，还有当他到达时他所发现的其他任何人。”
******
他语气中的某些东西容不得第二份猜想。阿拉娜如实地告诉了杰克一切，同时打开了应急屋的警报，输入密码，使那沉重铁门伴着一声巨响滑归原位。
“说实在的，阿拉娜。”看着那位医生将一排屏幕唤醒。十个小方块闪烁出医院驻地的画面——建筑物的每一面，前门的近景，和每一层楼梯井旁的摄像头。最后，第十一个屏幕在其他闪烁着开启的屏幕左侧，显示出那间曾用于关押汉尼拔的牢房，如今威尔正坐在其中，双膝抵着胸口，背靠着墙壁休息。“你真的期望着汉尼拔会来吗？或是期望着如果他确实来了，他能越过五十个武装护卫和特警队？这个地方是个堡垒。一如我们所计划的。”
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